Infertility

Infertility blows. There is no getting around it, it just flat out stinks. You always hear that "everyone has their own issues that they are going through." well ours is one of those that isn't obvious, it's infertility. I have come to learn (at least for me) that the worst part of infertility is the emotional roller-coaster. We never knew what was going to work or if it was going to work, or when it was going to work. When IUI's finally worked for us we were thrilled.....then it didn't anymore. When we finally decided to do in vitro fertilization it was almost like a huge burden was lifted off of me. Obviously it is no guarantee that it will work, but now I feel like we have done/are doing everything in our power to have another child. At least now if it doesn't work we can move on with our lives knowing that. I'm not saying that the pain will be gone, because it surely won't. However; at least the roller-coaster will have ended.

For now we are at the mercy of God/our bodies genetics/doctors....well let's just say we have no control over what will happen. My brother told me a long time ago that the sooner I accepted the inevitability that we have no control the better off I would be. I think accepting that inevitability is something you just have to come to in your own time.

Hopefully in a few short months time we will be sharing good news with everyone. Perhaps it will take longer, or maybe not at all. But at least in the end we will know that we have done all that we could and that is a reassuring feeling.

Humbling

There has been several times in my life I have been humbled. When I was younger and playing football I played the game as if I was the biggest strongest kid on the field (I wasn't but it worked). When I got to high school I still tried to play like that, but the fact that all of the other kids were far more physically talented than I was made me much less of a player than I was when I was younger. It was pretty humbling.

But in the last year or so I feel like I have been 'truly' humbled. Going through all of the infertility stuff that we have the past 6 years or so has been pretty humbling, but that wasn't the half of it. I feel like you are truly humbled when somebody does something for you that you cannot do for yourself. Being supported (financially and emotionally) by family and friends with IVF has not only humbled me, but it has brought me to my knees. When you are truly humbled and not as eloquent as me it is pretty much impossible to show exactly how much gratitude you are feeling. So I will just say, please know that I am more grateful than I know how to express.

I know that one day (hopefully in the distant future) we will all be humbled more than we knew was imaginable. I am grateful for those in this life who have helped me somewhat understand what it means to be humbled. You may have only somewhat prepared me for when that time comes, but you have done more than anyone else has or what I could do for myself.

Relient K lyric of the week - "If home is where the heart is, then my home is where you are."

Badger don't care

If I was sorted into a Hogwarts house I am sure it would be Hufflepuff. Actually pretty much every Jackson in my family would be including my ancestors. We are have a little bit of every house characteristic in us, but above all we value hard work and loyalty. We may not be the brightest bunch (why else would Jacksons live in Fremont Utah for decades unless they were being loyal) but dog gone it if you treat us fair we will be your loyal friend for life. I guess we are a little bit like dogs that way; although I do love the badger as a house crest, because badgers just don't care.

Myself, I have never been one who likes to talk much…..or at all. My father and grandfather are amazing story tellers and at least to some degree enjoy telling stories. Me, not so much. Rather than talking about my feelings I felt I better do something to express them so I figured I would do a little bit more “journal entries”. I hate writing because my penmanship is terrible so I figured that blogging would be the best way for me and my posterity to see what the heck I was thinking while I was in my 30 somethings and trying to figure out this whole being an adult thing.